The secret of my existence

It was in Easter 2010 that I started typing some religious and philosophical thoughts into the notebook. I have an insecure feeling about spreading these thoughts. Who needs another hobby-philosopher? Some internet research showed me that at least the ideas about determinism are not far away from the current discourse. Now in 2019, I have found some similar thoughts on the net. But I would like to put it in my own words. And I still wonder why not too many people ever question their own existence in this way. Let's take our own perception of the world as a starting point:

Why do I live in this body?

Science has come very far explaining the universe, the atoms, as well as biology and chemistry. Within this framework we have a basic understanding of how a human body works.

Feelings, moods, happiness and pain are caused by chemical and neural processes. According to scientific principles, bodies are nothing but physical matter reacting in an explainable way. But one question cannot be answered: Why do I live in my own body and nowhere else? I am conscious of myself. And I perceive the world through only from this one perspective.

Some people do not seem to have any problem with that. Answers like "You are you because you aren't someone else" cannot satisfy me. The whole mankind could exist without anybody watching, without anybody being conscious. Inevitably this leads to the old concept that proclaims a distinction between body and soul. That raises further questions. Not all of them are comfortable. Maybe that is one reason that these thought are not too popular.

Is there anybody out there?

Do others even own a soul? What an egocentric question! I see how others react: They are human. They show feelings like pain or joy similar to me. But that is only the case, because our bodies have a similar structure. All the other persons, even family and friends, the most loved ones, could theoretically be nothing but the complex biochemical combination of atoms which I have learned to categorize as humans. But the only thing I am conscious about, that can be certain of, is my own existence.

Yes, it is possible that I am the only soul in the universe. Respectively you - who reads this. The idea is dangerous. It could erase any empathy, it could even release inhibitions to exploit or kill other people. I strongly recommend to live with consideration and respect for other people, animals and even plants. Because you never know. And that is reason enough.

What is the essence of my soul?

Does it have a memory? Or a personality? If my brain were manipulated - physically by an accident or chemically by medicine or drugs - I would be a different person. Nevertheless, I would still be connected to this body. I would do different things, think other thoughts, treat others differently. Would this leave traces on my soul? Does a soul have the capability to remember anything at all? My memories can be physically erased when certain brain parts are damaged. What will be left as the essence of my soul if you can take anything away? Who am I?

Do I have any choices at all?

Unfortunately science only leaves limited space to escape the disillusioning concept of determinism. Every piece, every atom or quark in this universe has its own properties like location and velocity. If you put all the information together, the next moment can be calculated, theoretically down to infinity. If everything is predetermined we would have no free will of our own, it only seemed that way to us. Life would be like a movie.

Luckily there is a small back door left open: Quantum physics explains the world as a succession of probabilities. Radioactive decay is a good example. We know about half-life and can predict the number of atoms that survive in a given time span. When exactly the decay events occur, however, is not predictable.

Could it by that our personal decisions affect the cosmic probabilities in the way we want? This seems to be the only way out, if you want to combine the concept of a free will with nuclear physics. Terribly speculative - clutching at straws.

My impression is that society avoids all these thoughts. People could lose motivation to change anything for the better - even if they only accept determinism as one possibility among others. The whole concept of responsibility would collapse. Lay back any watch your life movie.

A much bigger reality

There is another way out. And at first glance it sounds like cheating. You can just doubt that reality is limited to this universe. And this is not about metaphysics or esoteric.

Boundaries we cannot break

A popular allegory: Imagine our material world like the memory content of a PC, only by magnitudes larger. The sciences can explore it down to the last bit and find out the rules by which it works. What happens outside of this closed system? The comparison helps to develop an impression that there are barriers we can not break. But if there was just another universe surrounding this computer, this comparison would not bring us any further. The reality surrounding our universe must simply remain abstract and most probably incomprehensible for us.

Religion

The common root

This is the point where the idea of God is coming close. The incomprehensible – why not give it a name? This is the common root of religion and philosophy. It is amazing to imagine that the fundamental questions have already been raised some thousands of years ago. Adam and Eve left paradise when they gained consciousness of themselves.

Religions have always been used to explain phenomenons that people did not understand in their day. People asked their gods to protect them from thunderstorms or fate- things you cannot influence. In some way I am doing the same when I reach out to a concept that fills the emptiness caused by disillusioning determinism with sense and confidence.

God cannot be defined

Some believe in their God(s) just as a higher being. But kind of God would have to ask for the cause of the existence of its own soul. Many esoteric and religious approaches remain too much attached to the worldly fantasy corset. Life after death in another body? Who knows... Life before birth would be an interesting topic, too.

But I would rather suggest that there is something that we do not have the slightest clue of.

My proof for God is my own existence in my own body which cannot be explained. Science can never get that far - even if the very last quark was analyses. But God cannot be defined. The bigger reality is beyond our scope.

When religion becomes dogma

Apart from that, religions have developed in all sorts of direction. Those in power always managed to misuse them to justify their rule. This is a topic of its own. Social rules and all sorts of stories have been added to the total package of almost any religion.

Once too often the philosophical core has eclipsed. Instead, rites and rules take over. Some claim to know the only truth, based on some historic fragments, let it be the Bible, the Coran or whatever, insisting to take it literally, demanding to believe only this and nothing else. At best, this can help to unite societies or groups.

But it kills cognition.

My personal way

Still I do not want to cut my personal roots to Christianity. And I can absolutely understand anybody who was raised in other religions to feel similar.

I feel in myself a great inner confidence which the faith can give me. I have the feeling that praying - completely unstructured and irregular - helps me inwardly. This gives me a grip, a kind of basic trust that I am in good hands even if cruel things would happen.

And maybe it's this confidence that reconciles me to reality. I can accept my life, love my loved ones, meet others with full respect.

Cognitively, these thoughts let me perceive the world that surrounds me with some distance.

But in everyday life, all these ideas play a minor role. I can think about all this one evening and then put all the ideas aside again. What remains is the trust in God as a determining factor in the background.

A draft of additional remarks:

Dreams

The processes that take place while we sleep and dream are worth a look. The brain is able to play complex, real-sounding storylines in front of the inner eye through neuronal stimuli alone. I am often impressed by what my brain composes. But we also perceive the real world through just these neural processes. Our senses are the only link. We have learned to deny the existence of our dream worlds just because they do not follow the laws of nature. They are volatile and never systematic. But aren't the people we meet in these dreams just like us - how they react, behave and feel? Wouldn't this be evidence for their existence? No, I do not believe that. But the more I think about this, the less all the certainty seems to fall into pieces.

Near-death experiences

A special puzzle, which I take quite seriously, are near-death experiences. Also just a neural process? From my point of view, the parallels in the many reports are too strong and concrete to explain everything here.

A glass of water from the sea

There is the idea that the soul at the beginning of life is like water in a glass drawn from a lake. Maybe we are all a part of God in that sense, but that could be presumptuous. The water is exposed to many influences in the course of life. The soul is formed. Can you clean it? Is it coming back to the lake? But this is just another allegory whose purist basic tendency is also somewhat suspect to me.

The divine spark

Related to this is the idea of the divine spark in evolution. In fact, it is the incalculable radioactive decay shoots that can cause minimal changes in the genome, but in the longer run can decide on the survival of a species. However, this concept of engaging a divine agenda in reality is again too secular for me because it reduces God to a decision maker in the background.

Anti-Determinism

Another thought experiment: Could it be that all the laws of nature are just an illusion and our decisions are real? This would turn the whole philosophy up side down.

Just a test?

In our world we are used to examinations and audits. So why not transfer this idea to our life as a whole? Does God want to test us? Even more bizarre: Is life a kind of occupational therapy for me as the only existence? An egocentric mind game. No, I'm afraid the comprehensive reality does not need such concepts.

An open discussion?

Do people risk professional and private perspectives when expressing himself more deeply on such questions? Only those who do not commit themselves today are considered to be maximally compatible. May pastors express such thoughts? They would be predestined, but many of them they will certainly hold themselves back in public.

An excellent BBC report

Free Will Is our future set in stone? Contains some of the aspects of determinism and quantum physics of this matter.